Striving to Softness

Courtney is the Co-Founder of IWR. Here’s her story:

Somewhere along the way I discovered that focusing on my body was a great way to distract myself from scary feelings. By middle school, I was channeling most of my energy into obsessive thinking and perfectionism. I sought control around food, exercise, and outward appearance. Hardness and rigidity felt like a superpower. They helped me create a “shield” of stability and control that I could hide behind. I marched along collecting achievements, allowing my obsession to change forms over time (eating disorders, excessive exercise, counting macros, eating “clean”, countless detoxes to fix health issues) and working tirelessly to construct a beautiful false facade around me. By 2020, my health was a total mess. By building shield after shield to keep my heart protected, I had shut down my emotions and fried my nervous system. This physical and emotional collapse forced the process of opening; by no choice of my own, I began the long process of softening and resting. I learned to breathe and listen to my body. At first, it felt incredibly exposing to dissolve my shields and allow my true self to be seen. But now, I'm finally able to be honest with myself and trust my body to feel. I have finally realized doing and achieving from a place of hardness creates more tension and separation, whereas leading from a softened heart invites calm, flexibility, and tenderness.